I’m finally ready to talk about it.

“It” being, of course, Magic Mike 3.

I went to it on opening night (ok, opening day. at the matinee) and happily plunked down $13.75 for what I assumed had to be better than Magic Mike 1 and Magic Mike 2 on the addition of Salma Hayek alone.

Alas.

It’s hard to grasp the nuance of the issue if you haven’t watched the previous two movies (yes I’m serious). But I’m there for the choreo. Magic Mike 3 brought exactly ONE new piece of choreo. And you know? That scene was fucking HOT.

Channing + Salma dancing = FIREEEEEEEEE

Channing + Salma interacting while not simulating sex = snorrrrrrrreeeeeee

Listen. I love the Magic Mike franchise. It’s not just about guys taking their clothes off, but about empowering women to feel sexy and wanted and that it’s ok to cater to the female gaze. They’re fun, silly, and don’t tend to take themselves too seriously.

But this one does. Sadly, they attempt a plot. Not a good one, mind you, but they do try. They also try for a love story, which is baffling considering Channing Tatum spends half the movie just nodding or saying “okay” while Salma flexes every single muscle in her arsenal to try and carry this movie on her back.

Then there are the guys. Gone are the 4 co-stars (which, honestly, bringing them in on a Zoom call? Insulting. I’d rather we forget they exist entirely.) in favor of a bunch of faceless dancers we are not invested in, know nothing about, and who only perform choreography that already exists in the Magic Mike universe.

Simply put, it’s boring.

Sure, the dancing is still good. And the one dance Channing Tatum does is *eyes emoji*. But other than that? Even the second movie, with Jada wearing a cocked fedora and shouting “queen” at everyone didn’t make me cringe as much as this movie did.

Die a hero or live long enough to see Magic Mike become a villain. Never have truer words been spoken.