Are you tired of my title puns yet? Too bad! Since Twitter is
slowly dying, I am running out of places to dump my unhinged steam of consciousness. (what? into a book? who do you think I am???)
If you’ve followed me for literally any length of time, you probably know I’m obsessed with Hallmark movies. It started small, with the early days of #CountdowntoChristmas (obligatory “I was doing it before it was cool!” insert here), and has bloomed into a full-on, year-round obsession. I even briefly considered subscribing to Hallmark Now. That’s right: a paid subscription for access to all Hallmark movies. Things have been bleak.
I’ve tried other copycats: Netflix movies, Up&Faith channel (yes, really), and ion channel movies. I’ve sat through all the damn Princess Switches and have screened farrrr too many movies about God and the “magic” of Christmas. I’m here to tell you: there is no real competitor to Hallmark.
But here’s the thing for you naysayers. Hallmark has improved. Markedly.
Since I began this journey (side note: I like referring it to like I’ve joined an mlm), Hallmark movies have become much more progressive. There is now usually more than one person of color as a friend/co-worker/mayor/sidesick! There is sometimes a gay side couple! And they’re allowed to kiss on screen! (no main couples yet). I even watched one this year that showed a [gasp!] interracial couple!
Folks, this is not the Hallmark of your grandmothers.
They’ve also eased way up off the busy career girl giving up her dreams for her man in her hometown narrative we are all so fond of mocking. If she does move back home, it’s always because there is a savvy career move attached. Love interests are now allowed to be divorcès, not just widowers. And there is a lot, lot less mention of God. There’s even sometimes a kiss before the very closing shot of the movie!
Listen. Is the progress slow as fucking molasses? Yes. The movies are still overwhelmingly white, incredibly chaste, with weird nostalgic small town white shit like tree lightings and for some reason, they really keep pushing “July Fourth weddings” as a theme, but the increased competition + changing values of its viewer base are forcing the channel to try and keep up.
Why am I rambling on about all this? To say, essentially, that cyberbullying corporations works. When we hop on Twitter or whatever to complain about Hallmark movies being stuck in the past or how everyone is looking forward to Netflix’s gay Christmas rom-com, Hallmark sees that and has to pivot!
Of course, with Twitter dying a swift death at the hands of the knock-off Thomas Edison (not a compliment–Google Thomas Edison!), our window of opportunity may be winnowing. But I have no sense of self-preservation, so I shall tweet through it anyway.
So if Hallmark movies are your jam, or you’re looking to commiserate over the fun/torture of watching a made-for-TV movie, search the hashtag #AnnaWatchesHallmark and join me as we enter the best time of year: mocking Countdown to Christmas movies.
Oh, and bonus points to whoever can find the most famous side character stuck in one of these as not a love interest. So far my lead is Taub from House.
Take it away, Lacy Chabert!